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“Dear Senator McCain,

We were bummed to hear that Jackson Browne recently sued you over your use of his song “Running on Empty” in a campaign ad. We, The Pink Spiders, think it’s uncool that someone would try and mess with your quest for total Republican world domination. Here’s the thing: most 18-30-year-olds have no idea who the hell that guy is. I mean, has his song ever been on MTV’s Total Request Live? Or an iPod commercial? We think not.

That said, we understand your genius in using contemporary music to reflect your concerns for your constituency, and we figured we could help you out by letting you use one of our ultra-popular smash hits for your next campaign ad. We’re young and good-looking, something your campaign could use a dose of.

Take, for example, our new single “Gimme Chemicals.” This one speaks directly to many of the issues that your voters care about: a national health care system, medical insurance reform, and especially the skyrocketing costs of the many prescription pharmaceuticals that folks your age are known to take in mass quantities. We all know how much you senior citizens like to party with those “little blue pills,” right?

And if that song doesn’t catch your attention, there’s plenty more from our brand new record, Sweat It Out (for release on Sept. 23), that pretty much speak for themselves in telling voters what to expect from a McCain Presidency: “Here Comes Trouble,” “Settling For You,” “Stranglehold,” “Trust No One,” and “Falling With Every Step.” Isn’t it a crazy coincidence that pretty much ALL of our songs work for your campaign? Wow.

The Pink Spiders and John McCain: it’s a match made in heaven. With our help, we think you’ll be elected Supreme Emperor of America with no Sweat.

Rock on, (as Paris Hilton said) “old grey-haired dude!”

Love,
Matt Friction & The Pink Spiders”